tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-117677452012-02-24T07:24:28.939-08:00DOWNLOAD YOUR FAVORITES TO YOUR KINDLE, NOOK OR OTHER ELECTRONIC CRAP AT AMAZON.COM AND BARNESANDNOBLE.COM. NOW, DAMMIT!Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.comBlogger16111100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-21180800031784583312012-02-24T07:15:00.003-08:002012-02-24T07:24:28.948-08:00

I’m driving around and, as I often do, I’m thinking about things that really piss me off. You have no idea how I suffer, knowing that there are so many false “facts” floating around out there and so little time for me to correct them. Frinstance, I was contemplating all the people I’ve come across over the years who continue to believe that the guy who invented the Pet Rock made enough money to

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-65903331457244472022012-02-23T06:29:00.002-08:002012-02-23T06:43:31.778-08:00

The other night I used the word “nimrod” in an e-mail to a friend. I used it as an insult and although at this time I don’t remember why I was insulting him, I do know it was all in fun. But before I hit the send button I did a little research; I didn’t want to use the word incorrectly. After all, what exactly is a nimrod? Besides that guy driving in the car in front of you, I mean.How did

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-44426667093091880612012-02-22T06:32:00.003-08:002012-02-22T06:40:43.453-08:00

I hate shopping for clothes. And yet most of the time when you run into me you'll find I'll be wearing some, so I must buy them at some point. And so the other day I headed to the mall because I absolutely had to have a new pair of jeans. In truth I had a perfectly fine pair in my closet but somehow over the past few months they had become a little, uh, snug. I'm thinking I must have

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-78283309767482176292012-02-21T06:41:00.003-08:002012-02-21T09:52:25.045-08:00

What’s this, a quiz? In the middle of the week? Are you daft? Have you finally gone completely mad, man?Well, no, at least no more than usual. It's just that I was reading a book by the great Elmore Leonard (86 years old and a book on the current bestseller list!) and it gave me this great idea.Well, I suppose how great my idea is remains to be seen, but the book was Pagan Babies and in it a few

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-74008400797436239392012-02-20T07:15:00.000-08:002012-02-20T07:29:45.768-08:00

It was six in the morning and Ellsworth had just given me one of those looks. Ellsworth, as both of my regular readers know, is my pet aquatic turtle. And yes, I'm guilty. I had forgotten once again to plug in the fussy reptile's heater, and now he was getting back at me for my neglect by giving me the cold shoulder, assuming that turtles have shoulders."Okay, I'm sorry," I said, "but your water

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-2130887198441921092012-02-17T08:04:00.000-08:002012-02-17T08:08:23.019-08:00

Take Me With You!Now you can download the articles you, uh, love onto your Kindle, Nook, Cell Phone, PC, iPad and all of your other electronic crap.Check it out!http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-text&field-keywords=leonard+stegmann&x=21&y=27

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-89145814470965289012012-02-17T07:57:00.000-08:002012-02-17T08:01:55.544-08:00

There was once a time when a foolish argument would be identified, and often ended, by someone asking the rhetorical question, "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?" These days I think this old chestnut could easily be replaced by the query, "Who was more talented, John Lennon or Paul McCartney?' It's a foolish question and, much like the debate about angels and pinheads, it cannot be

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-43867993927711157662012-02-16T06:48:00.000-08:002012-02-16T06:52:30.202-08:00

It was a dark and rainy morning, but that didn’t matter; I was at my post. And why wouldn’t I be? As a lieutenant on the Safety Patrol I had taken on a responsibility and I was not about to let a touch of inclement weather get in my way.I wish I could have said the same for the other three Safety Patrollers who were supposed to be on duty with me, standing guard around the periphery of the

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-54031842290644190812012-02-15T06:58:00.000-08:002012-02-15T07:19:49.883-08:00

She was young and blonde and stood there wearing nothing but her flimsy undergarments and a smile. She was looking at him in a challenging sort of way and he was looking right back, half in excitement and half in fear."What should I do with my bra?" she asked coyly."Take it off," he said, softly and hesitantly. And she did just that."And what should I do with my panties?" She was toying with him

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-35372507656479246662012-02-14T07:13:00.000-08:002012-02-14T07:21:27.384-08:00

It’s official. Valentine’s Day has now passed New Year’s Eve as my least favorite holiday. Yup, I hate it more than Arbor Day, Bastille Day, Grandparents Day, Ash Wednesday-- whatever you got.I don’t really recall but I suspect that years ago, around fourth and fifth grade, I loved Valentine’s Day. Why not? I was the chubby but good-looking kid who always received the most valentines from my

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-86901847540136950232012-02-13T07:19:00.000-08:002012-02-13T12:29:53.313-08:00

The former location of The Sump is but a tree-covered triangle today. (above)It was called a sump. I didn't know why then, and today, over forty years later, I still don't. You would think that having a huge hole in the ground right on the other side of your backyard would be a wondrous asset to the boys and girls in the neighbor, and I suppose growing up we might have thought it was. And yet

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-72741568949029547092012-02-10T07:02:00.000-08:002012-02-10T07:24:01.831-08:00

A bunch of Facebook friends (as opposed to "actual" friends) were listing candidates for bad movies. I was disheartened to see that one of them had suggested that The Brady Bunch Movie should be on this list. Clearly somebody had missed the point. I've watched The Brady Bunch Movie many times, and I still laugh. It's clever, funny and a dead-on spoof on that dreadfully annoying television show

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-22877149392582958762012-02-09T06:29:00.001-08:002012-02-09T06:51:00.068-08:00

Got an e-mail from my lifelong chum Lenny and in it he mentioned Sal, who was the guy who used to drive his ice cream truck around our neighborhood when we were kids. That I still remember Sal, when I have forgotten books I’ve read, friends I’ve laughed with and lovers I’ve loved, says volumes about the promotional skills of Sal as well as the nutritional habits of the childhood me. In equal

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-89586608404162692722012-02-08T06:50:00.000-08:002012-02-08T06:56:27.285-08:00

I don't remember what had happened to my previous pair of skis, if indeed I had actually owned a previous pair. Nor do I remember how I ended up the owner of a set of fairly-new bindings with no skis attached. This happened, after all, over four decades ago. I only know that my childhood chum Lenny and I were scheduled to go skiing that weekend and I now found myself not one but two skis short

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-2038149876440557562012-02-07T07:19:00.000-08:002012-02-07T07:29:10.323-08:00

I was watching a Three Stooges' movie the other day (Why, how do you spend your Saturday mornings?) called Rockin' in the Rockies. One of the musical acts featured was a comic band, at least three of whom were playing harmonicas, including a giant sized one. From deep within the recesses of my brain a voice said, I know them! These must be the Harmonicats!Now I knew nothing of the Harmonicats

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-76967331073937264622012-02-06T06:30:00.000-08:002012-02-06T06:37:26.704-08:00

Let me give you fair warning, right at the outset. This edition of Guess Who is a little different than the previous ones. In the past I have given you a list of clues about a rather famous person and you had to guess who he or she might be. This time you will again be given a list, but unlike in the past I'm pretty sure you've never heard of this gentleman.Ah, but I have. I suddenly remembered

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-73949527263363045182012-02-03T07:01:00.001-08:002012-02-03T07:04:04.383-08:00

Take Me With You!Now you can download the articles you, uh, love onto your Kindle, Nook, Cell Phone, PC, iPad and all of your other electronic crap.Check it out! http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-text&field-keywords=leonard+stegmann&x=21&y=27

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-21322143698632633902012-02-03T06:49:00.000-08:002012-02-03T06:56:56.991-08:00

That was delicious! Now if you ladies will excuse us, we men will adjourn to the study where we shan’t bore the weaker sex with our barbaric talk of sports and politics. Gentlemen, please follow me and kindly close the door behind you. And may I offer you each a snifter of this fine twenty-year-old brandy and perhaps one of my prized Havanas? Excellent.OK, guys, now that the chicks are out of

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-23628752360836699462012-02-02T06:48:00.000-08:002012-02-02T06:56:24.620-08:00

I'm not sure I had ever watched the entire movie, and if I had it was a long time ago. Spike, who I was sure would enjoy the film, said she had never seen it. And so last Saturday night, through the glorious powers of NetFlix, we summoned up the 1955 classic Marty.Marty was originally a 1953 teleplay, with Rod Steiger in the title role. It was expanded into a movie in 1955, and won the Oscar for

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-48098810629204266332012-02-01T06:55:00.000-08:002012-02-01T07:06:22.307-08:00

It’s a timeless image: a young woman sitting in chair sewing the material she has draped across her lap. In this case the young woman was one of those hard-bodied aqua-nazis who each week make sure I don’t drown as I drag my middle-aged carcass from one side of the pool to the other. And the object she is sewing is not a pair of her husband’s pants or a jumper for her toddler, but rather a

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-88277426426236278482012-01-31T06:36:00.000-08:002012-01-31T06:42:01.739-08:00

There it was again. Has my car always rattled like that or is this some new, expensive sound? Of course it’s new—I would have noticed it before. Goddammit, what’s wrong with this car? Where is that rattling coming from? It’s definitely there. I can really hear it on the rougher roads. This was supposed to be a nice relaxing ride through the hills of Napa and now this. Where is it coming from?

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-29027055576033743552012-01-30T07:04:00.000-08:002012-01-30T07:17:51.032-08:00

The bottom line is there are some things that you can buy in the dollar store and some things you definitely should not. I've found some wonderful picture frames in these stores, as well as mailing envelopes and cortisone cream. And greeting cards, too. Trust me, my days of spending $3.99 for a piece of folded cardboard at Hallmark are over.There are also, to be sure, many things that are best

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-37157477005006357502012-01-27T06:59:00.000-08:002012-01-27T07:06:08.570-08:00

I came across this tidbit on the Internet the other day. It's exactly the kind of useless piece of nonsense that really fascinates me. Now, I'm not sure how interesting you will find it but, after all, I'm the one who is pounding on these keys at this ungodly hour, so there you have it.Do you recognize the name John Tyler? Yup, he was a president of the United States, the tenth in fact. If he is

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-65525002913451031052012-01-26T07:07:00.000-08:002012-01-26T07:12:58.371-08:00

Welcome to the first of our brand new series Countries With Silly Shapes. Our guest tonight is that long and thin string bean of a country to our south, Chile. Now whether you pronounce it chee-lay or chilly or something in between, you have to agree that this country has a pretty funny shape to it. So go ahead and laugh all you want at the bizarre dimensions of this South American nation, but

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-8265376837369498602012-01-25T06:50:00.000-08:002012-01-25T07:07:26.142-08:00

A few early mornings ago, while you all were snug in your cribs, I was as usual clicking around the TV dial. (I really must update my references.) Eventually I settled on a movie that caught my interest, and the longer I watched it the more I enjoyed it. It got to the point that when a couple of plot turns were revealed I was so surprised that I expressed myself in audible delight, something I

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-53669174192632865542012-01-24T06:27:00.000-08:002012-01-24T06:42:26.922-08:00

Of all the absurd articles of clothing I have worn in my life--at least among those I'm willing to admit to on these pages--perhaps the most ridiculous is the dickie. In case you don't know what a dickie is, it's a turtleneck. No, not a turtleneck shirt or sweater, just the turtleneck. It's simply a cloth collar with two flaps that tuck into your shirt. Its purpose is to give the illusion that

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-77804812097488894952012-01-23T06:36:00.000-08:002012-01-23T10:36:18.191-08:00

I hate shopping for clothes. Nothing fits right. Years ago my Mom had a friend who could never find clothes that fit. She became so frustrated that she was often reduced to tears. The woman weighed only about 90 pounds, and everything she tried on hung on her like a sack. My problem, in case you don’t know me personally, is somewhat different.I tend to wear my clothes slightly baggy. OK, in

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-89783775166236708092012-01-20T07:29:00.000-08:002012-01-20T07:34:55.943-08:00

TAKE ME WITH YOU!Now you can download the articles you, uh, love onto your Kindle, Nook, Cell Phone, PC, iPad and all of your other electronic crap. Check it out:http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_2_9?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-text&field-keywords=leonard+stegmann&sprefix=leonard+s%2Cdigital-text%2C350

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-83840377122724532392012-01-20T07:14:00.000-08:002012-01-20T07:25:17.060-08:00

Speaking of protecting the little darlings, how many of you remember a toy called Creepy Crawlers that was popular in the 1960's? Basically it was a hot plate with various metal molds into which you could squirt a colorful plastic, which would then be heated, cooled and removed so that you'd have your very own wriggly bugs, worms or other some-such disgusting creatures. And for the girls the

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-49534726657658217402012-01-19T06:39:00.000-08:002012-01-19T06:46:14.214-08:00

First off, I admit that I know almost nothing about children. I've always equated them pretty much with wives and pets: they're fun to play with when they belong to somebody else, and when you're done with them it's a great relief that you can give them back. (Ho ho, and keep your angry e-mails to yourself!)And so when I heard about the new California regulations on child safety seats, despite--

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-89123778766867826492012-01-18T06:29:00.000-08:002012-01-18T06:34:10.762-08:00

Man. I practically have this space heater up my, uh, nose and it's still not doing the job. The computer tells me it's currently 32 degrees here on the Northern California coast. I assume that means outside, but it's getting harder and harder to tell.This morning it was also right around 30 degrees when I walked outside and plopped myself into the hot tub. The top of the tub was covered with a

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-34982011825575246162012-01-17T06:26:00.000-08:002012-01-17T06:32:38.974-08:00

Yes, somehow right here smack dab in the middle of January I’ve managed to acquire a case of poison oak. At first I suspected that I picked up the vile rash last week when I tried a new and quite narrow trail leading down to the nudie beach. Then I thought about it a while and figured, why not blame the cat?The truth is I have no way of knowing whether it was the plant-lined trail or Queen

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-11684360359866829532012-01-16T07:31:00.000-08:002012-01-16T07:44:25.155-08:00

Pssst, Buddy. C’mere. Yeah, I’m talking to you. You know that old fairy tale Sleeping Beauty? ‘Course you do, ‘course you do. Well listen, give me a buck for a cup of joe and I’ll tell you how it really went down. Hey, would I lie? Thanks, man, now sit back and relax and I’ll tell you the way it actually happened…It’s true. The original story of Sleeping Beauty, and many other of our most

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-39928910644704645162012-01-13T06:40:00.000-08:002012-01-13T06:47:58.755-08:00

It's an amusing family story. The way I heard it was that when my cousin D. was a little girl, about three years old, she reached into the laundry hamper and pulled out one of her mother's bras."I know what this is called!" she declared proudly. "It's a zebra!"Cute, huh? And pretty racy stuff for the time, let me tell you. At least it was for me, as I myself was only about seven years old.I was

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-71908353125098234302012-01-12T07:24:00.000-08:002012-01-12T07:29:19.093-08:00

The legendary audition took place fifty years ago this month, on January 1, 1962 to be exact. And listen, I'm not going to be all cutesy about this by hitting you with a "surprise" Paul Harvey-style, rest-of-the-story ending. Even the dimmest of you already know that this is going to be about the Beatles, and their infamous audition for Decca Records. Even if you did’t notice that antique photo

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-79759472038543310842012-01-11T07:33:00.000-08:002012-01-11T07:42:31.591-08:00

Throughout my youth I often heard old folks claim that while they were not afraid of dying, they were afraid of growing old. “Not me!” I’d always chime in. “I’d be happy to live to be 200 if it meant not dying!” I mean, what’s to fear about growing old except dying? That’s how I thought in my youthful arrogance. Well, I may not have understood what they meant back then, but I’m beginning to get

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-14125073125041695542012-01-10T06:39:00.000-08:002012-01-10T06:45:34.218-08:00

Have you ever really blown a line? (That’s “line” not “lion,” you sick twist.) Perhaps you messed up some complicated Shakespearean soliloquy in one of your school plays? Never having possessed the nerve or the talent to actually get up and perform in front of others, I have very little experience in having blown any lines at all. The worst case that I can remember happened when I was in fourth

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-24564162387657341552012-01-09T07:00:00.000-08:002012-01-09T07:09:27.796-08:00

Is it possible that I have never lost my keys? Ever? And if so, does this make it appear to you that I have crossed the line from "conscientious" right into "anal retentive"? Yes, I thought so.I can't claim for a fact that I have never lost my keys, but I can offer up one piece of what I feel is fairly compelling evidence. On my key ring is a flat, formerly shiny bit of metal with four short

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-71862757562215943912012-01-06T07:26:00.000-08:002012-01-06T07:36:00.771-08:00

Let’s set the way-back machine to about twenty years ago for this one, give or take a year. Then, like now, I dreaded getting haircuts. In my experience rarely has my hair been cut correctly and on the rare occasion that it has the stylist has never been able to duplicate the achievement on subsequent visits. Yes, I know, we all have our crosses to bear.I was cruising up and down Mission Blvd. in

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-87173050175782081662012-01-05T05:57:00.000-08:002012-01-05T06:04:49.840-08:00

You know who I think has an unnecessary job? That consult guy at the pharmacy. You know who I’m talking about? First you go up to the counter and you pay for your prescription. The lady in the white smock is holding your drugs, so close you can almost touch them, and then she suddenly yanks them away and utters the dreaded words, “The pharmacist would like to consult with you.”Goddamn it!

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-14255409307430156492012-01-04T07:00:00.000-08:002012-01-04T07:08:21.308-08:00

I'm sick. What do you mean you already knew that? No, no, I mean in the traditional, coughing and sneezing and feeling like crap sense. And really, it's not even that bad. It started last night and I suspect it will have mostly run its course by tomorrow. I hope.I don't get sick very often. I know that's probably one of the things that people most stretch the truth about, along with their car’s

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-22338920508985819092012-01-03T06:38:00.000-08:002012-01-03T06:47:30.987-08:00

“There are no more nuts?” Spike calls out from the kitchen. I immediately grab my Wife-Husband/Husband-Wife dictionary and translate. It turns out what she actually said was, “You ate that whole can of nuts?” And if you want to venture deeper in the subtleties of the language, what she is really saying, of course, is “You ate that whole can of nuts that I bought?”And so on my next visit to Long’s

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-78618140364747385922012-01-02T07:16:00.000-08:002012-01-02T07:27:54.970-08:00

The slot machine had greedily and predictably swallowed every dollar I had fed into its ever hungry maw, and so now Spike and I were headed for the casino's exit. Along the way we stopped to watch a large black woman poking at the lit-up touch screen atop her machine, determining the amount of her bonus. It wasn't anything dramatic; she would win somewhere between five and twenty bucks. About

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-70113387908873560412011-12-30T07:29:00.000-08:002011-12-30T07:35:06.777-08:00

Originally I was going to make our Friday quiz about obscure holidays, seeing as we now find ourselves smack dab in the muck and mire of the holiday season. I was even going to make up some silly holidays for us to have a nice chuckle over. It turns out I didn't have to. In January alone some dim-bulbs will be celebrating such "holidays" as Humiliation Day, Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-6903350381990735252011-12-29T07:11:00.000-08:002011-12-29T07:18:16.526-08:00

I miss playing Thirty-One. It's a simple yet surprisingly fun card game I used to play in Florida, usually with my brother, mother and Spike. (Dad, at the first sign of a deck of cards, instantly retreated to the bedroom to watch that week's football or baseball Game of the Century.)I won't go into every detail and rule of the game. These, I'm sure, can be found online. Quickly though, each

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-69389833316040881722011-12-28T07:29:00.000-08:002011-12-28T07:31:52.406-08:00

One of the few books I read in my bathroom is On Writing Well by William Zinsser. “You’d never know it,” I hear you say in that sarcastic way that makes it painfully obvious why your phone never seems to ring anymore. The book is a classic. I just happened to see the latest version of it in a bookstore the other day. The copy in my throne room is the second edition, which was published in 1980.Mr

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-32712827856107514562011-12-27T07:06:00.000-08:002011-12-27T07:13:15.964-08:00

Yesterday was a cold, dark day here, a block away from the edge of the country. It was a perfect day for cranking the heat, hunting down a few left-over Christmas cookies and watching the season finale of the edge-of-your-seat Showtime thriller Homeland. And so that's exactly what I did, and was not disappointed. The writers of that show keep you twisting and turning like a epileptic worm on a

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-46256623954212145702011-12-26T06:38:00.000-08:002011-12-26T06:44:36.639-08:00

"Take also unto thee wheat and barley and beans and lentils and millet and spelt and put them in one vessel and make bread of it…" Ezekiel 4:9.I was stumbling around the local general store the other day when a box of cereal caught my eye. And the reason it caught my eye is that there was a quote from the Bible right on the front. Yeah that’s the quote, right up there.The name of the cereal is

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-21005451469966754342011-12-23T07:12:00.000-08:002011-12-23T07:28:08.107-08:00

You’ve heard Christmas carols from the time you were born. You were forced to sing them in grade school, the mall has piped them into your head since mid-October and you can’t turn on the TV without hearing some commercial featuring a painfully unclever take-off of a copyright-free one. Ah, but have you been listening?Let’s find out. Below is the Christmas Carol Quiz I promised last night in a

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-40286874865823242092011-12-22T07:22:00.000-08:002011-12-22T07:31:11.531-08:00

And that's all I got--the title. In A Christmas Story the voice-over at the end claims that the BB gun that Ralphie finally gets is "The best present I received, the best present I would ever receive." It's a wonderful line and it would have been the final one in the movie had I been the editor. The sad truth is that even though we all strain our brains year after year hunting down that perfect

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-73428980676570360662011-12-21T06:42:00.000-08:002011-12-21T06:50:32.160-08:00

This one's for the kids. Hi, Kids! Have you gotten your first job yet? No? Well, there's no rush. You'll have it before you know it. And then you'll have another. And even another. And probably many more. And then you'll be dead. So here's a bit of information your wise and rapidly aging Uncle Leonard would like to pass along to you about the company you work for: They don't owe you a damn thing

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-15129966264302153772011-12-20T06:51:00.000-08:002011-12-20T06:53:19.574-08:00

It's the week before Christmas,A week filled with fun.It's just not a good time,For getting things done.The stock market is open,But it's a slow-moving slog.All the bulls and the bears,Must be drunk on eggnog.Stewart's in reruns,On Stern nothing's newish.They took off for Christmas.Though they both are quite Jewish.People go to their office,Both the vets and the rookies,But the only work that

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-47241672537841972262011-12-19T06:28:00.000-08:002011-12-19T06:38:58.313-08:00

It would have been a thing of beauty, if only Mr. Zero had listened to me. And, in fairness, it's not that Mr. Zero didn't listen to me, he just didn't do it quickly enough. And now he's finished, washed out like hundreds of others.Mr. Zero is, or I should say, was in a season-long football pool. It's really a clever sort of instant elimination-type contest. Every week each participant in the

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-80036067216272521042011-12-16T07:22:00.000-08:002011-12-16T07:31:27.072-08:00

You're probably at least as eager as I am to get the bad taste of last night's bit of festive filth out of your mouth. (So to speak.) I know, let's have a Christmas quiz!1. Name the two of Santa's eight reindeer whose names don't end in a "n" or "r."2. Of the twelve gifts my true love gave to me, how many are some type of bird?3. In the famous Clement Moore poem, what did Santa exclaim as he

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-73448585137401282042011-12-15T06:51:00.000-08:002011-12-15T06:57:52.613-08:00

For a long time my favorite Christmas special was the classic A Charlie Brown Christmas. And then somewhere along the way things changed, and I found I couldn't get into the holiday spirit until I had seen A Christmas Story, at least once. I finally got my mom to watch it a few years ago, and it's an understatement to say that her reaction to the film was disappointing. "It was okay," she said.

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-4049314465529006112011-12-14T06:39:00.000-08:002011-12-14T06:44:52.218-08:00

Years ago I remember listening to a tape by love-nazi Leo Buscaglia during which he pointed out that many couples fight and fret over things that are so easily remedied. His example was a couple that extracted toothpaste from the tube in different ways: the man rolled it up from the bottom while the woman simply squeezed the tube flat. Leo’s Solomon-like solution? Buy two tubes.Leo was a wise man

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-32217851261892592011-12-13T07:20:00.000-08:002011-12-13T07:25:17.831-08:00

It was our first class of the day, right after Home Room, and both my friend Arthur and I dreaded it. Every single day. It was our high school Typing class, and within its endless forty-two minute span we were subjected to what we perceived to be the most degrading exercises that had ever been forced upon us in our short lives. Typing? We were intellectuals, for fuck's sake, not secretaries! We

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-54637989623048130412011-12-12T06:27:00.000-08:002011-12-12T06:33:55.780-08:00

Saturday morning I showed up for swimming as usual only to discover that the pool was closed for repairs. Physically unmotivated as I am, I naturally greeted the news with mixed emotions, but in order to alleviate my guilt I decided to hit the nearby trail. I figured that a 1/20 mile hike would give me the much-needed exercise I would otherwise have missed.From the trail I was able to look over a

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-17161553365437267402011-12-09T06:39:00.000-08:002011-12-09T06:45:08.580-08:00

Not that I expect you to, but you may remember a quiz a few Fridays back where I asked questions where the answers were lined up in numerical order. In other words, the first answer had the word "one" in it, the second had "two," the third "three" and so on. That sure was a lot of work, let me tell you. And why did I take on such a Herculean task? Why, to amuse and entertain you, of course. But

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-60095451835378220272011-12-08T07:05:00.000-08:002011-12-08T07:23:01.074-08:00

You don't need to know where my hunch came from. Maybe it was something I heard. Maybe it was something I read. Maybe it was something I dreamed. The bottom line is that despite all sense--common and otherwise--I had reason to believe that buying some American Airlines stock this week after the company had filed for bankruptcy might be a profitable, and perhaps very profitable, investment.With

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-53100684039707331682011-12-07T06:41:00.000-08:002011-12-07T06:46:42.215-08:00

Up until yesterday I probably hadn’t spent more than a hour of my life worrying about the dangers created by monopolies. One corporation owns all the media outlets in the country? Who cares? One financial behemoth issues every credit card? Ho hum. But now it is twenty-four hours later and I am indeed a day older and a day wiser. I now understand the fear that often accompanies the creation of

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-41481707838743234592011-12-06T06:49:00.000-08:002011-12-06T06:55:23.443-08:00

Now ho-o-o-l-l-l-d on there, as the great Quick Draw McGraw used to say. I just finished reading an in-depth and somewhat lengthy Wikipedia article on the Watusis and there was not a single mention of the central African people's supposed famed height. But isn't that what they taught us in school? The pygmies were the short ones and the Watusis were the tall ones? What in the name of racial

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-10601691322586901202011-12-05T06:47:00.000-08:002011-12-05T06:55:06.052-08:00

It was simple when we were kids. The teachers told us there were two tribes that lived in Africa. One was made of very short people and these were known as pygmies. The other tribe, of course, consisted of very tall people and these were the watusis. To an eight year old, these were wonders comparable to the multi-sized folk who inhabited Gulliver's Travels.It seems you don't hear much about the

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-27529486622210137162011-12-02T07:17:00.000-08:002011-12-02T07:24:13.180-08:00

Isn't it wonderful that my Friday quizzes always start out with a hilarious introduction followed by instructions on how to take the quiz? Well, almost always.1. Tony Curtis/Jack Lemmon classic2. 1955 Tennessee Wiliams' Pulitzer Prize winner3. John le Carre's 1963 novel4. Paul Newman's 1967 prison drama5. John Lennon took the title of this song from a magazine cover6. Norman Lear's first

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-66725441281726355732011-12-01T07:27:00.000-08:002011-12-01T07:31:34.780-08:00

Not only does this health book I’m reading tell you about nutrition, but it gives valuable information about caring for the various parts of your body as well. For example, it warns that one should never insert a Q-Tip into the ear canal. Which I already knew, because it says the same thing right on the Q-Tip box. But I do it anyway, and so do you.The reason that one should never jam anything

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-4378709834676826242011-11-30T06:58:00.000-08:002011-11-30T07:02:27.150-08:00

In the mid-1960's New York Yankee Joe Pepitone took a lot of kidding, and worse, for parading around the locker room wearing a ladies' portable hairdryer. Alas, this was, at that time, the only hair-drying option available to the hirsute Pepitone, short of just letting it dry naturally, as men had done since first crawling out of the sticky primordial ooze.It wasn't long before the hand-held

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-20303351096786180422011-11-29T06:56:00.001-08:002011-11-29T06:59:19.400-08:00

It all began, as things often do, with an unexpected phone call. The friendly man on the other end of the line (Telephones don't have lines anymore, Grandpa Leonard!) was telling me that a movie was going to be filmed on our street and they were interested in renting our driveway for two weeks. The man assured me that they had already scouted my driveway and deemed it to be perfect.This, of

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-6335861620450519572011-11-28T06:46:00.000-08:002011-11-28T07:00:01.374-08:00

The biggest problem, as I saw it, would no doubt be how to cram all those fascinating stories, exciting anecdotes and insightful personal observations into a reasonable number of columns. It was at this point that I vowed to use my extensive writing and editing skills to limit my narrative of the subject to but a week's worth of posts. Sure, a lot of enthralling material would have to be cut,

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-91571516150207804192011-11-24T06:54:00.000-08:002011-11-24T06:57:23.000-08:00

I’m proud that I’m a turkey,A bird with so few peers,Did you know that we’ve been around,For about ten million years?I also bet you didn’t know,We’re among the fastest birds alive.We can run at 30 miles per hour,And fly at fifty-five!Benjamin Franklin called us a symbol,He thought we were quite regal.And if old Ben had had his way,You’d be feasting on bald eagle.We often spend the night in trees,

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-70186171457000178702011-11-23T07:32:00.000-08:002011-11-23T07:47:46.551-08:00

I don't do product reviews very often. I usually limit that sort of thing to when I come across something I really like, Or, more likely, that I really hate. And be assured that I am not some shill for the Softub company, although if those fine folks wanted to send a check in gratitude I can guarantee that it will not lay around here going unappreciated and uncashed.The most dramatic difference

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-78076209138319585412011-11-22T07:14:00.000-08:002011-11-22T07:23:02.273-08:00

After over two years of hemming, hawing, pissing, moaning and looking for that elusive "deal" we finally purchased our new Softub. We realized we had gone much too long living life without one. We aren't, after all, animals.Spike and I had purchased our original Softub back in 1999, shortly after returning from our honeymoon. We had been delighted to find that, after paying for our wedding and

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-15916089809462434072011-11-21T06:39:00.000-08:002011-11-21T06:46:48.179-08:00

First things first: I think it’s time that the AAA magazine that I get delivered to my house should pick a name and stick to it. The cover of my latest issue bears the header Traveler. If memory serves it was but a few months ago that it was called Via, and shortly before that—well I forget, but it was something pretty dull. I like “Traveler”—let’s try and stay with that one for a while, okay?

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-47954314805672680582011-11-18T06:39:00.000-08:002011-11-18T06:43:50.876-08:00

It's a quiet early morning here on the northern California coast. I can see the moon--well not right this second but when I look outside--but I won't be able to for long. They say there's rain coming in later today and that's just fine with me. So what better way to celebrate what promises to be a wet and peaceful day, chock full of positive expectations and negative ions, than with one of my

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-67335545415572725662011-11-17T06:53:00.000-08:002011-11-17T07:01:46.794-08:00

We’ll have to again set the Way-Back Machine for tonight’s entry. Let’s take it back to about 1964, when some kids from our block were taken to the Bronx by our fathers to watch a Yankee game. I don’t remember how many kids went, or exactly who they were. They were all kids from our neighborhood, but I’m not going pretend that I remember each and every individual from that night so long ago.

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-34153306388985376832011-11-16T06:58:00.000-08:002011-11-16T07:06:52.874-08:00

I never identify her by face when I’m watching an old movie, but always by her voice. I was watching a bit of the 1937 classic spook comedy Topper last night and when I heard the familiar high-pitched trilling of Mrs. Topper’s voice I once again said to myself, “Hey, that’s the lady who played Glinda the Good Witch in The Wizard of Oz!”And so it was. A quick check of the credits reminded me that

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-31343853616015019452011-11-15T06:31:00.000-08:002011-11-15T06:34:59.703-08:00

Which of course stands for “What Would Columbo Do?” About what, you ask? Well calm your heinie down for about ten seconds and I’ll tell you. Do you remember about a week or so back when I tried to play a mystery game where I gave you some clues in a story and asked you to deduce what happened? Well tonight we’re going to try something similar, except this story is true. And, unfortunately, this

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-53500148999358356702011-11-14T06:46:00.000-08:002011-11-14T06:51:22.975-08:00

See, that’s why you have to stop by here every day. Last night we had a lively discussion on existential philosophy as it relates to Ionesco, Beckett and the theater of the absurd. Tonight we’ll be talking about monkey poop.This one, really, comes from the “if I didn’t see it I wouldn’t have believed it” department. I’m a words guy, as you know, but this is one of the few times that I wish I had

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-32085307187148769582011-11-11T07:08:00.000-08:002011-11-11T07:14:12.150-08:00

Listen, this just isn't working. If I only write about what's annoying me once every week or so the pile of notes on my desk will grow like the list of Herman Cain's accusers. So look, it's Friday and if I want to have any hope of successfully digesting my food this weekend I'm going to have to clear the air, and my desk, with one strategic shock and awe blitz. And like the garbage men who haul

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-36741089963969215282011-11-10T06:44:00.000-08:002011-11-10T06:49:41.082-08:00

On September 4, 1957 the Ford Motor Company launched a new make of automobile. It was called the Edsel, a name that was, in just a few short years, destined to become synonymous with “failure.” Various excuses are often given for its relatively quick demise, and it is frequently stated that there was no one particular reason that the Edsel became such a historic flop. And while I’m no expert in

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-73600518937455726642011-11-09T06:42:00.000-08:002011-11-09T06:52:56.178-08:00

If you had said to me just yesterday, "Quick, was Uncle Vito a blood relation to you?" I would probably have fumfered around trying to figure out the answer. The answer, I'm a little surprised to learn, was no. Uncle Vito, another of my mother's uncles, was married to Aunt Rosie, my mother's mother's sister. Uncle Vito was, however, the first dead person I ever knew.Like Uncle Joe, I have but one

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-55855533729592455602011-11-08T07:28:00.000-08:002011-11-08T07:34:57.779-08:00

I met a guy tonight whose last name is Fish, and this reminded me of my own Uncle Joe Fish. Now Uncle Joe Fish was not technically my uncle, but my great-uncle, and his last name was not Fish. As far as I know, however, his first name was indeed Joe.Uncle Joe's last name was Italian, my mother's maiden name, and its first syllable is pronounced "vish," so it's not hard to figure the derivation of

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-79371979836792082752011-11-07T06:38:00.000-08:002011-11-07T06:46:40.767-08:00

for MomIt's still gray, which doesn't really surprise me. It was also gray back then and, as far as I know, it has always been gray. I have no idea why it has always been painted the same color, but it gives me a sense of comfort, of continuity, and that makes me happy.It seemed a big, old house back then, and it still does as I imagine myself on the sidewalk out front. This is the same sidewalk

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-16057383746959553482011-11-04T06:26:00.000-07:002011-11-04T06:33:46.138-07:00

When I awoke this morning the only dream I could recall involved two older, but not unattractive, women who were trying to coerce me into returning with them to their apartment. I suppose the fact that they were both older than I and yet neither used a walker was also memorable, but whether I took them up on the offer I can’t say. In addition to this dream snippet I also found myself waking up

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-73803860844424232382011-11-03T06:41:00.000-07:002011-11-03T06:48:55.532-07:00

This is going to be a very difficult quiz. Oh, not for you, so don't go worrying your pretty little head. No, putting this thing together is going to be an absolute bitch for me. You see, in my never-ending quest to out-clever myself, I've not only come up with the twenty or twenty-five (or however far I get before I bang my head against the wall) questions below, I've actually taken a big chunk

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-83456471338756726912011-11-02T07:08:00.000-07:002011-11-02T07:26:04.166-07:00

Remember the recent column I wrote about Entertainment Weekly’s list of the “new classics”? Of course you don’t—you didn’t bother to read it. In fact I can’t believe you’re even taking the trouble to read this. Anyhow, on the list of the best television shows of the past 25 years you’ll find Everybody Loves Raymond, which probably deserved to be there. It ranked #70 on the list, and it probably

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-59632318470388100462011-11-01T06:37:00.000-07:002011-11-01T06:43:24.569-07:00

There's a fascinating article in the current issue of Smithsonian all about...the potato. Scoff if you will, but did you know that up until the lowly spud was introduced to Europe the continent was never quite able to feed itself, and the standard of living was much like you might find in a third world country? And also, the potato was originally poisonous and had to be eaten with clay to

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-89950972976855295772011-10-31T06:42:00.000-07:002011-10-31T06:50:45.746-07:00

Sergeant Major of the Army Raymond Chandler has taken to Facebook to get some answers from the troops. Specifically, he's wondering if perhaps the Army's policy of allowing visible tattoos is not professional, and sending the wrong message to the public. “I believe that we can better visualize to the American people and the Army what it means to be an American soldier than we’re doing now,” he

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-71410001034617512022011-10-28T06:52:00.000-07:002011-10-28T06:58:09.744-07:00

Despite the wailing and gnashing of teeth exhibited by some of you (and you know who you are) when I take a night off from this nonsense, it really isn’t something that happens that frequently. And on the rare occasion that it does occur it’s more often than not due to one thing: my childhood chum has given me a call.My chum and I go way back together; in fact we go back far enough that we still

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-64386969517643294342011-10-27T06:54:00.000-07:002011-10-27T12:11:24.484-07:00

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Spike was making her daily bring-to-work sandwich and, although there were clearly two types of cheddar in the zip-lock bag, she was taking some of the sharp kind. I know, I know, I was shocked too! Well, as anybody would, I quickly pointed out that there were slices of both sharp and mild cheddar in the bag, and since Spike insists on buying the mild kind

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-14189499334892318342011-10-26T07:13:00.000-07:002011-10-26T07:25:53.466-07:00

It’s been a while now since John Paul II descended into the fires of Hell and his panda-eyed successor Benedict XVI began to shake things up a bit in the Catholic Church. One of the first things the new pontiff did was to try to put an end to the concept of Limbo. For those of you who weren’t lucky enough to be raised Catholic (twitch-twitch) Limbo is yet another of the possible destinations that

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-4990046091964765802011-10-25T06:58:00.000-07:002011-10-25T07:12:54.666-07:00

I bought a DVD in the dollar store the other day. It’s a collection of four episodes of The Abbott and Costello Show. First off, how many of you out there were even aware that Abbott and Costello ever had a TV show? C’mon, raise those arthritic hands.During one of the episodes Stinky (Snap Trivia: Who played Stinky?) was explaining that his mother forced him to drink castor oil mixed with soda or

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-2297691477472371502011-10-24T06:37:00.000-07:002011-10-24T06:41:44.596-07:00

Cats are quite friendly,And dogs sure are fun,An eagle can fly,And a cheetah can run.Dolphins are smart, And they show it with pride,Donkeys are not, But they’re fun to ride Snakes seem to inspire, A whole lot of fright,But they’ll move out of your way, So they’re really polite.Horses are graceful,When they leap over a hurdle,And if you want to see cute,Meet Ellsworth, my turtle.Elephants are

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-70317503577911298842011-10-21T06:37:00.000-07:002011-10-21T06:41:22.407-07:00

Yeah, I know, we just did a quiz a few nights ago. But this isn’t just some run-of-the-mill quiz where I pick a topic and then do the research. No, this one is made up of just a few scraps gathered from the dumpster-ful of useless information that has accumulated in my soggy old brain (like barnacles attaching themselves to the hull of a creaky, leaky old boat) during the course of a lifetime.

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-74901909551754139742011-10-20T06:29:00.000-07:002011-10-20T06:38:10.812-07:00

Now that you know how to save yourself a sawbuck or so by smuggling snacks into the theater (You don't know what I'm talking about, do you? Then perhaps you had better go back and read yesterday's column. And from now on try and keep up, will you? Jeez.) And so then, have you seen any good movies lately? I actually have. I mean, for a while there it was looking pretty bleak, what with the

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-69106248695124520032011-10-19T07:01:00.000-07:002011-10-19T07:13:56.922-07:00

I went to the movies by myself this past weekend and I have to admit that I sure missed Spike. No, I'm not being romantic here. You see, whenever we go to see a flick we always smuggle in our snacks. Spike, being the one who carries a purse (for the most part, anyway) is the "mule." Without her there with her trusty bag I was forced to make a purchase at the concession stand, or else sit through

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-9699585317698799042011-10-18T06:31:00.000-07:002011-10-18T06:36:00.036-07:00

Quick! Tell me which cartoon character says: 1. "I tawt I taw a puddy cat!"2. "Oooooh, I hate that rabbit."3. "I'm smarter than the average bear."4. "I hate meeces to pieces."5. "That's all I can stands, 'cause I can't stands no more."6. "Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat."7. "Sufferin' succotash."8. "Oh my darlin', oh my darlin;, oh my darlin' Clementine..."9. "Never underestimate the power

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-59416764121703047632011-10-17T06:59:00.000-07:002011-10-17T07:06:58.441-07:00

I'm not being vengeful here, I'm really not. Some of you recall my ignoble banishment from the pages of Wikipedia when a committee of those cyber-nazis determined that I was not well-known enough to grace their popular and often accurate "encyclopedia." Just imagine, me, cast out for all time to rot in the eternal purgatory that is Wikibin! I know, I know, I couldn't believe it either. And the

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-64743904623784184212011-10-14T06:48:00.000-07:002011-10-14T08:31:22.980-07:00

Big Boy and I were standing outside a local club. When the door opened we could hear the singing of the talented lady who was performing inside. "Hey, listen Big Boy. She's singing a Beatles song!" I said."Yeah? Did everybody in there fall asleep?" Busting my balls about the music of my generation is an endless source of amusement for the 20 year old Big Boy. To him such long-ago bands like the

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-65284109533239231822011-10-13T06:38:00.001-07:002011-10-13T06:43:26.386-07:00

I've joked before that I am pretty much the Mark Twain of my generation, except of course for the fame and the talent. Hell, as the years stack up I'm starting to believe that if I had been born just a little sooner Mark Twain himself would have been the Mark Twain of my generation. Recently I was surprised to learn exactly how Twain first achieved that fame. Did you know that it started with

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11767745.post-70546288808369087432011-10-12T07:20:00.000-07:002011-10-12T07:24:54.327-07:00

Do you know that feeling you get while swimming, slipping gracefully through the water like a sleek and shiny dolphin, gliding elegantly and effortlessly as you star in your very own aquatic ballet? Me neither. I've been swimming regularly for nearly a decade now, and I haven't executed one single stroke that didn't make me feel like I was towing a barge full of Buicks. Now, it's tempting to say

Leonard Stegmannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701067581545139890noreply@blogger.com2